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coupons in the cloud
November 9, 2014
Sick Promotion Study
A listening device was recently covertly installed in one of Monsanto’s most secretive underground gene labs. What follows is a brief excerpt of what was picked up on the voice recorder.
“How was the weekend? We didn’t see you at movie night.”
“Fine I guess, but Friday night I had a weird dream about this prehistoric world of dinosaurs. The dinosaurs started to evolve rapidly before my eyes in three distinct stages: first by growing feathers, and next hair, and in the final stage they were wearing necklaces. Every dinosaur went through these three stages except two — a male and female that never made it past the feather stage. They were chickens. A hen and a rooster I’d guess, but they both looked like hens. The dinosaurs in necklaces crushed them, and in an instant, chickens became extinct in this new world. After that they became pretty [inaudible] twirling their necklaces around like weapons. When they started to come for me, I remembered that I was an astronaut and that I’d better get back to my safari jeep.”
“Uh huh. Sounds familiar. Then what happened?”
“Well, when I couldn’t find my jeep, I was forced to wake up. I sat up in my bed abruptly and began rubbing my eyes. That’s when I felt this giant 19th century rich kid’s lolly pop stuck to my cheek.
“You mean this giant 19th century rich kid’s lolly pop right here?”
“[inaudible] I… I don’t believe it!”
“Congratulations. You’ve been promoted to Chief [inaudible] of Rice, Corn, and Beans.” (background sounds of laughter, applause, whistles, and cheers)
It was later revealed that this conversation took place between a salmon and a fluff of cotton. The cheering in the background is assumed to be human.
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